DW45's Blog

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, I have some bad news; the horse died.' 
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' 
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already' 
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.' 
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? 
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' 
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!' 
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.' 
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?' 
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off - sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.' 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' 
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave back his two dollars.' 
Chuck grew up and works now for the government. 
He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out."

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR   DIARIES ........ 
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

       
 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
  1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
  3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
  5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
  7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
  8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
         

        Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...
    
         
Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.   In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously brainwashed.

The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now................

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the
> > channels.
> >
> > She asked, 'What's on TV?'
> >
> > I said, 'Dust'
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> >
> > =======================================================
==
> >
> > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> >
> > She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
> > seconds.'
> >
> > I bought her a scale.
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> >
> > =======================================================
==
> >
> > When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> > expensive...
> > so, I took her to a gas station...
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> >
> > =======================================================
==
> >
> > After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> > Social Security.
> >
> > The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
> > verify my age I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
> > wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
> > have to go home and come back later.
> >
> > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
> > my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
> > proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
> >
> > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> > Social Security office.
> >
> > She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> > disability, too.'
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > =======================================================
==
> >
> > My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
> > kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
> > a nearby table.
> >
> > My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
> >
> > 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> > drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> > hasn't been sober since.'
> >
> > 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> > celebrating that long?'
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > =======================================================
==
> >
> > I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
> > and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
> > you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
> >
> > Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... he was a DWARF!!!
> >
> > He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
> > HAPPY!'
> >
> > So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > =======================================================
==
> >
> > THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
> >
> > When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
> > that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
> > to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always
> > something more important to me.
> >
> > Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
> > home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping
> > away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
> > I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
> > was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
> > toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
> > well sweep the driveway.'
> >
> > The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
> > always right, and the other is the husband.
> >

New Salesman:
     A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

     The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"  The kid says "Yeah.  I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

     Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.  "You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

     His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.  After the store was locked up, the boss came down.  "How many customers bought something from you today?"

     The kid says "One".

     The boss says "Just One?  Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.  How much was the sale for?"

     The kid says "$101, 237.65".

     The boss says "$101,237.65?  What the heck did you sell?"

     The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.  Then I sold him a medium fishhook.  Then I sold him a larger fishhook.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast; I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.  Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

     The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

     The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

This is an Excerpt from CNNMoney.com, Dec 4, 2008

"The Big Three's last visit to Capitol Hill was nothing less than a public relations disaster, as many members of the House and Senate denounced the CEOs for their bad decisions and worse symbolism. Each CEO flew to Washington to ask for help aboard their own corporate jets.

This time, GM CEO Rick Wagoner, Ford CEO Alan Mulally and Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli all drove to Washington in fuel-efficient hybrids. And they all have agreed to cut their salaries to $1 a year if they get federal loans."

     There is a LOT more about how they just needed a break, a chance to catch their breath, a little wiggle room.....

I've heard that from a lot of different people, from a lot of different places lately, some of them from right here...

On last years' Salary, I could do fine for a Year myself, on what they made, including the UAW...

Why the Hats-in-the-Hands routine now? - Because it affects THEM directly!....No more shaking the heads and grinning about the Stocks and Retirements going down, no more "it'll all work out" at the Club on Good 'ol Boy Night...

I truly hate the Domino Effect  we're all getting ready to experience....Lots of Auto Workers are going to be out of Work, too - But, somehow, for the "Big Boys", I just can't seem to get misty-eyed  about it....

Yacht gotta be re-financed?  Gonna miss the Grand Caymans this year?  Bryn Mawr and Harvard all of a sudden looking shaky for the young'uns?

Sorry, Guys.....Maybe you can tell the Folks at the Capitol that they're NEXT, with all their Benefits and "Fact Finding" junkets to all these exotic places, when they can't tell what's happening outside their own front doors?

 Top This One For A Speeding Ticket

  Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding

enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar .

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check

speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.  

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun

began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer

attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then

turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar

had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was

engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters, the Patrol Captain fired off a

complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

~ ~ ~

Thank you for your letter.  We can now complete the

file on this incident. You may be interested to know

that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected

the presence of, and subsequently locked on to,

your hostile radar equipment and automatically

sent a jamming signal back to it,

which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground

missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also

automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet

recognized the situation for what it was, quickly

responded to the missile system alert status,

and was able to override the automated defense

system before the missile was launched to destroy

the hostile radar position.

  

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them,

since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun,

should get his dentist to check his left rear molar.

It appears the filling is loose.

Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.

 

Ladies Verses Real Women
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
     cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess
     salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
     damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made
     it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
_____

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
     your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
     might still have the headache, but who cares?
_____

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
     to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
     for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your
     feet up, eating it anyway.
_____

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
     the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
     up to a year.
_____

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
     bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess
     on the inside of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
_____

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
     yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing
     egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
_____

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
     dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening
     jars easy.

Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
_____

And finally the most important tip!.....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
     for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

Awright, Ladies & Gents....

The Elections are OVER, for at least 4 years (Thank the Lord), so now, let's all get back to being Buddies and Friends....

Many of us have said, or worse, simply repeated things that were totally unnecessary in the Passions of the Moment -

All's well that ends well, and we must have Faith that this one will, too...

Fishing, Hunting, Sports, Musicians (I know there's a few here) and even Religion is far more interesting than Politics ever was...  Plus, there is FEEDBACK besides a Yes/ No response! - Personally, by the time the Elections said-and-done, they could have Elected Darth Vader, for all I cared......

Let's see what we can do about it....This Blog is pretty much on Life Support right now, and I hate to lose, and I would miss, the many friends (I hope) that I've met here.....

So....... let's all pop a Cold whatever, sit back, and think about our next Blog...

The Election bus is GONE, and we ALL have sore feet from chasing it!

Subject: God is Busy
 
GOD is Busy
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.  The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' 

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!!!!

---

The Famous, the Infamous, the Lame - in your browser. Get the TMZ Toolbar Now!

Let's think briefly about  AUTO INSURANCE...the State says you MUST have it, and then gives the Ins Co.s free authority to set their own rules, and rates...due to their financial "requirements", owing to costs, type of coverage, inflation, etc...

Case in Point:: - My Beloved Wife, in  my Beloved  ALMOST new truck, in an unbeloved  traffic jam in Gaston Co., Christmas Eve, 2006 - She was already STOPPED in the inside Emergency Lane (left side),  - due to some fool causing an earlier slowdown/ minor wreck  -somebody couldn't wait to pee, I guess  -this was a full minute BEFORE  when she was twice hit from behind, with one going down the passenger side of my vehicle (I was not with her and her sister) -

For the Record: Neither my Wife nor I have ANY points on our State Driving Licenses -

MY Ins co., which rhymes alot with GEICO (they do give excellent rates) -is "A"

Party 2, whose Ins Co. rhymes alot with GMAC/Integon -is "B"

Party 3, whose Ins Co. rhymes alot with California Casualty-is "C"

After almost a year and a half, they have  "reviewed" my claim.....

"A" was willing to repair my truck, minus Towing Package and new tire (Factory Equipment).....to be fair, they didn't SAY my Collision would triple, but why the hell should I pay for it?

"B" and "C" are going around about "WE hit him, but HE hit your truck," etc...and WE hit your truck, but that's because HE hit US!.....Golly Gee.....What To Do?

OH, but wait! - "B" said an "unidentified vehicle" forced him out of his lane! - "C" picked up on that pretty quick, too, obviously no fool HE! - so now these triumvirates of Justice and the AMERICAN WAY  (pre-paid, no less) have decided there will be NO PAYMENTS rendered,  to ANYBODY, because they can all blame it on the "unidentified vehicle"!!!!....It was a full 4 months later before this "mystery vehicle" made an appearance ( by "B"'s "verbal account).....

The attending OFFICER at the SCENE called the Ins Co.s involved, left them the facts, contact info,etc...never even got a callback, nothing.....

Due to Familial business matters, I've spent too much money lately on $85.00/ half hour  (read 20 min )  USELESS Lawyers...Back in the good old days, you didn't pay a Lawyer (like a mechanic) until he did what you paid him to do...No real hope there - Talked to the NC Insurance Commission - they admitted their hands are basically tied, until a FEDERAL amount of cash is involved.....WTF?

Anybody out there have reasonable advice, or the number of a decent Lawyer in Gaston Co?.....

There is an Ins. Industry term called  "injury and several" to cover these situations, but apparently they don't  even want to split the LEGAL Liability, better to keep the BUCKS in the Family,  I guess.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     It was just on the 8:44pm news (Ch 14)  that Mr. Nifong has been dropped as a defendent in the Duke LaCrosse players'  lawsuit - at least until his millionaire self gets out of banckruptcy ( so sayeth the JUDGE).....Does that mean all the others will still be sued?.....Lots of folks are locked up right now for indigency (homelessness) - What the hell is that,  even if it is a relief? - One day,  when I grow up,  I hope I'm rich enough to be poor in the eyes of the Law  - Gotta be a pretty good trick to that.....

      Let him do Community Service feeding  people at the Shelter like everybody else!

      Let's see if Al or Jesse climb out from under their respective rocks for this one.....

    

 

     I didn't catch the early details of this,  but I know the Sheriff resigned to take the Raleigh job - somebody accused the sucessors (both) of various shortcomings, but I thought the VOTE was supposed to settle it once & for all  (silly me) -  is THIS going to  end up in court,  like everything else in Charlotte does?

     This is a late,  but serious question -...........if the (interdepartment) candidates for the job were that bad,  then why were they on the force to begin with?.......What,  we've gotta go to California to find a new Sheriff too?  - (Re: CMS..... Peter Gorman HAS done an outstanding job) -

     For better or worse,  there's alot to be said for already knowing who you're dealing with,  and both these guys have been here awhile,  know the areas,  "temperament" of the natives, etc -

     I (sadly) understand the local politics & race issues (?) in this instance,  but can't we just for once give the job to whoever is best qualified,  without complicating a simple, everyday business decision?

     OK,  somebody lay the truth on me...................

    

    

       We need to give Ms Fair a raise, and put her back to work - we need a LOT more like her  -                                                 
                                                       
                                                       
               What a shame those poor,  underpriveliged,  pure-minded ,  lily- whte conscienced CHILDREN had to put up with their OWN SCHOOL TEACHER  possibly giving them a low grade in CONDUCT - the CEL phones probably didn't help -

     What IS the world coming to,  when you are at least partially responsible for  your own behavior ?

     I can only hope that these well grounded,  confident and secure young ADULTS, are not forever scarred by this traumatic experiencce.....